...leave me with some kind of proof, it's not a dream, oh....
I keep on having flashbacks. To the days where things were far more simple and I had a sense of stability for once in my life. To the days when there was you. I have no idea why my brain keeps on bringing me back to these times. It's so frustrating!! One minute, I'll be in the middle of doing something and then I'll completely zone out and start daydreaming.
They all started when I began unpacking boxes and sorting through papers and documents the other day. I found the scrapbook I had started of us. It had photos of all of our crazy adventures together, movie ticket stubs, carnival wristbands, hand written letters and cute sticky love notes. I came across some letters I had written to Chad, but never sent... Most were lighthearted and full of love and lust. However, I came across some that were filled with sheer fear and anguish. Desperation almost.
I think that subconsciously, I knew things were going to end. But there was this part of me was just so scared that I clung on for dear life. I didn't want to lose him. I COULDN'T lose him?? I loved him so much! There was no way that he could be like every other guy that has chosen to walk and just as easily out in my life. I mean, he told me he loved me... He told me every night before bed and every single time we were together that he'd love me Forever and Always and my response was always "I love you too, Always and Forever." It just couldn't end!!
I still don't understand... or fully "get it". And to make matters worse, I have no idea what my point was in this entry. Guess I just needed to rant. ...Oh well, back to eating eggs it is for me!
Friday, August 13, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
I saw something in your eyes...
...and I wanted it for myself...
Right now, I'm stuck. So this is what it feels like to be physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausted. New developments have shed light on the infamous question of "Why?". Needless to say, after learning the why factor I haven't slept, I haven't eaten, I haven't done anything. I spent the first few hours after hearing the news in a catatonic state, mind you. How else is one to react when she finds out that the reason her fiance left is because of another woman? A younger one... An ex at that...
Yes, I can talk to my friends about it to vent and attempt to make myself feel better but if anything, it just makes me hurt even more. When he ended things and I moved away, I felt as though I was running in this circle. I had a rope tied around my waist that was tied to a wild horse on the other end and if I didn't stop running... Well, you get the picture. Now I feel as though, I've tripped and I'm being dragged. Around and around and around in this circle that will just never end and I can't stop it.
I talked to someone today, who I knew could help me. He's the kind of person that when I talk to him, Chad doesn't exist. He never did. Yet, today when I went to tell him what happened, he kind of just blew me off. It hurt. Maybe I should just deal with this one by myself. Focus on the original game plan and not deviate from it. Continue on with my goals that I am enroute to becoming successful with. I mean... Only 10 more lbs and a tan to go? I can do it.
When I get back to that town though, everyone will be in for a rude awakening. Ladies and gentlemen, Mikaley has changed and she's not looking back ever again. The old her is dead and the new her is alive and looking for more fun than ever before...
...Let's do this...
Right now, I'm stuck. So this is what it feels like to be physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausted. New developments have shed light on the infamous question of "Why?". Needless to say, after learning the why factor I haven't slept, I haven't eaten, I haven't done anything. I spent the first few hours after hearing the news in a catatonic state, mind you. How else is one to react when she finds out that the reason her fiance left is because of another woman? A younger one... An ex at that...
Yes, I can talk to my friends about it to vent and attempt to make myself feel better but if anything, it just makes me hurt even more. When he ended things and I moved away, I felt as though I was running in this circle. I had a rope tied around my waist that was tied to a wild horse on the other end and if I didn't stop running... Well, you get the picture. Now I feel as though, I've tripped and I'm being dragged. Around and around and around in this circle that will just never end and I can't stop it.
I talked to someone today, who I knew could help me. He's the kind of person that when I talk to him, Chad doesn't exist. He never did. Yet, today when I went to tell him what happened, he kind of just blew me off. It hurt. Maybe I should just deal with this one by myself. Focus on the original game plan and not deviate from it. Continue on with my goals that I am enroute to becoming successful with. I mean... Only 10 more lbs and a tan to go? I can do it.
When I get back to that town though, everyone will be in for a rude awakening. Ladies and gentlemen, Mikaley has changed and she's not looking back ever again. The old her is dead and the new her is alive and looking for more fun than ever before...
...Let's do this...
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Subconsciously Un-Guarded
My best friend and I have a problem, the same problem. We have the tendency to get quite lonely at night. It isn't the fact that we just want to be around people all the time, it's the fact that we always find ourselves thinking of the people we don't want to think of most of all between the hours of "bedtime" and "waking up".
Why is it always during these hours?? Why does it always hit us so hard??
I've come up with a theory:
We spend our entire day, spending all of our energy, desperately keeping them out of our minds so that by the time we are simply exhausted and should be resting, we give them the opportunity to creep back into our minds. We let our guards down because we are tired and in turn, unknowingly end up hurting ourselves.
It's nights like these where we cannot fall asleep because deep down inside, we know that there is something keeping us awake. Subconsciously, we know what it is but we just don't want to admit it. It's the memories of them the way we used to live our lives with those other people. We put ourselves into routines when we are with them. Whether it's a good night kiss before you cuddle each other to sleep or a text to say "I love you, goodnight" it becomes part of us. It's even the little things that we get used to with them... Getting bludgeoned in your sleep, dealing with excessive snoring, sleep talking or having the blankets kicked off the bed... Or even just rolling over in bed and having them be there. We miss all those things. We don't want to admit them, but we do.
And we can have all of our friends and family tell us that we were always too good for them, or too pretty, or we can do better but they can't stop the way we feel when those hours hit. It's when we're most vulnerable. Our minds, our feelings, our hearts are most exposed...
Why is it always during these hours?? Why does it always hit us so hard??
I've come up with a theory:
We spend our entire day, spending all of our energy, desperately keeping them out of our minds so that by the time we are simply exhausted and should be resting, we give them the opportunity to creep back into our minds. We let our guards down because we are tired and in turn, unknowingly end up hurting ourselves.
It's nights like these where we cannot fall asleep because deep down inside, we know that there is something keeping us awake. Subconsciously, we know what it is but we just don't want to admit it. It's the memories of them the way we used to live our lives with those other people. We put ourselves into routines when we are with them. Whether it's a good night kiss before you cuddle each other to sleep or a text to say "I love you, goodnight" it becomes part of us. It's even the little things that we get used to with them... Getting bludgeoned in your sleep, dealing with excessive snoring, sleep talking or having the blankets kicked off the bed... Or even just rolling over in bed and having them be there. We miss all those things. We don't want to admit them, but we do.
And we can have all of our friends and family tell us that we were always too good for them, or too pretty, or we can do better but they can't stop the way we feel when those hours hit. It's when we're most vulnerable. Our minds, our feelings, our hearts are most exposed...
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