I rip my hair out over you
Half the time I don't know what to do
Why won't the words come to me?
Lately nothing's been easy

I started a new life without you
My life shiny and I feel brand new
But somehow you creep back in
I'm the cushion and you're the pin

You're creepin' back in...

Why won't you get out of my head?
Why can't you just leave me be?
Sometimes I wish you were dead
So then I'd have no memories
Of what used to be.

He's a million times the man you'll ever be
And he makes me happy
Get over yourself, you're in the past
No wonder things didn't last

I can't believe I wasted that much time on you
And all those stupid things I thought were cute...
But somehow you creep back in
I'm the cushion and you're the pin

You're creepin' back in...


Why won't you get out of my head?
Why can't you just leave me be?
Sometimes I wish you were dead
So then I'd have no memories
Of what used to be.

Why won't you get out of my head?
Why can't you just leave me be?
Sometimes I wish you were dead
So then I'd have no memories
Of what used to be.

Candles

Opposites Attract
Living on different pages
Romeo of the ages
Wear my heart on my sleeve
City Lights
Are something I thought I missed
But boy was I wrong
All I missed was your lips

On Mine
You could make me melt
Can't describe what I felt
It's something I can't forget
So don't put me out just yet

Live Life
We could die tomorrow
No point living in the sorrow
Take a chance
Real Love
It's something that I'll always miss
Always and Forever
I miss your lips

On Mine
You could make me melt
Can't describe what I felt
It's something I can't forget
So don't put me out just yet

And if you won't give it
Another chance
Won't you tell me baby?
And if you can't stay
Another night
Just know I'm yours completely...

All I missed was your lips....

On Mine
You could make me melt
Can't describe what I felt
It's something I can't forget

Oh, you could make me melt
Can't describe what I felt
It's something I can't forget
So don't put me out just yet

Lets clear the airwaves for once and FOR ALL!!!

Okay, now I know that everyone is probably pretty sick with this whole topic that I'm about to bring up... But to be completely honest, I am just so fed up with the bullshit that people are spewing about the whole situation. It's time to come clean and face the facts!!

So these are the renditions I've heard:

-*CENSORED* was told he broke up with you because you moved to Van and never even gave him notice just were like "Van is important and your not, I'm leaving" and took off with no discussion or explanation.

-You two split up after you moved to Van because he couldn't take being away from you and you wouldn't give him a chance.

-You were seeing someone else while you two were together and cheated on him non-stop. Then when you went to Van, you started seeing someone else right away.

...The list can go on and on and ON... HERE IS THE TRUTH GODDAMNIT!! So read carefully cuz I will only do this once!! =)

THE TRUTH:
I went to Vancouver for a VISIT. While I was out of town, I received a text message from Chad saying that he "couldn't do it anymore". Right off the bat, I asked, "what can't you do anymore?? what are you talking about?" So ladies and gentlemen, please let it be known... While I was out of town, VISITING friends... He actually broke up with me through a text message and here's the best part. Two days prior, he told me he loved me and couldn't wait for me to come home.

He never told me his real reason for ending things. I'm not sure why, but he can't even seem to face me when I confront him. I never did anything wrong. I never lied, I never cheated, I never manipulated. Yeah, I made a few mistakes in the relationship and we have fought. However, am I not human? Everybody makes mistakes. It's how you handle them and deal with the situation that makes the person. I am taking full responsibility for everything. Things I did do and things that never even took place.

AND AND AND!!!!! The only reason I moved to Van was because I couldn't stand seeing him after the fact. He actually pulled the 'friend card' afterward!! The whole line where one person ends up saying, 'It's over but I want us to still be friends.' Excuse me?! WTF?! How can you go from SUCH a serious relationship to just friends?! I desperately tried and it killed me. It tore me apart to see him everyday and know that I couldn't hold him, I couldn't kiss him... I couldn't be with him. And what put the cherry on top was the fact that he took everything so lightly!! He acted as though nothing ever happened and I was just always one of the guys. Do you know how heartbreaking that is?!?!?!

At the end of the day, I cannot deny that I still love him and care about him. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him. (Which sometimes sucks.) It definitely makes getting over things that much harder and what makes that even HARDER is constantly hearing all the different ways I apparently broke Chad's heart. Try walking in my shoes for a moment... See where I'm coming from. And here's a concept!! The next time anyone is wondering what the hell is going on, try asking someone who is ACTUALLY involved. You'll get the truth!! Great idea, right? And to all the people out there who were spreading these blatant bullshit lies... Here's a great big FUCK YOUUUU AND HAVE A GREAT DAY!!!! =D

So now that I've vented my brains out... I think it's about time to go to bed. I mean, it's what? 5:40 AM on a Thursday?? Goodnight all!

Get To You

Six o'clock, there goes my alarm now
Monday, it's a sunny day out
I would stay in bed, but the truth is
You're the one that makes me wanna wake up

Loggin' in, checkin' on my e-mail
Just wanna talk and I'm hopin' that you'll be there
I've got so much to tell you
'Cause you're the only one that I can turn to

You know it drives me crazy, when you're so far away
I'd walk a million miles, just to get to you, next to you, little bit closer
I wanna get to you, I'll get a little loud if I have to

I said I really wanna get to you, and there ain't nothin' that I wouldn't do
Don't care what they say, doesn't matter anyway
Can't hold me back, 'cause I won't be without you

You know I really wanna get to you, and I'll do anything that I have to do
Can't breathe, can't sleep, baby can't you see
I won't stop 'till I know you're here beside me

Sittin' here, lookin' at a photograph
I'm missin' out on the moments that we should have had
Can't figure out what I'm gonna do
Try to forget so I don't have to miss you

Can't sleep, you're all I ever think about
I've got a plan and I'm hopin' it'll work out
I'm gonna get to you come rain, come shine, gonna do what I have to
I wanna get to you, I'll get a little loud if I have to

I said I really wanna get to you, and there ain't nothin' that I wouldn't do
Don't care what they say, doesn't matter anyway
Can't hold me back, 'cause I won't be without you

You know I really wanna get to you, and I'll do anything that I have to do
Can't breathe, can't sleep, baby can't you see
I won't stop 'till I know you're here beside me

I want to get to you, there's nothing I won't do
I want to get to you and there's nothing that I won't do

Ba-da... Wo-oh...

Yah I really wanna get to you

Tazo Tea Pick Me Up

You know, I was having a fairly grey and dismal day until I started talking to an old friend on Facebook. Here's our conversation:

Michael

you're in alberta no?

Me

no

van

Michael

damnit

Me

why?

Michael

weren't you in alberta?

Me

nope

penticton

Michael

or living there not too long ago?

close enough

I'm in alberta right meow

Me

cool cool

yea, i moved back home after chad called off the engagement

Michael

dude, wtf?

Me

yeah

Michael

mikaley, i;'m really sorry to hear about that

you deserve much much better

Me

ah well... can't be helped, now can it?

a lot of people are quite upset with him now because of him ending things so suddenly and not even explaining why he chose to do so

he burned a lot of bridges

Michael

that tends to happen when you wake up and set the controls to auto-douche

Me

haha

i like that... I'm going to put that in my blog. :P

Michael

my hard work

it took me like, a split second to think of that

Me

lolz

Michael

and now you're going to use it and be cool because of it

Me

no no

i give all credit to you mike

Michael

:O

Me

:D

-----------------------------------

Oh Mike... Thank-you! =)

Falling in Love in a Coffee Shop.

I think that possibly, maybe I'm falling for you...

Oh wait, no, I already have. I don't want to but i suppose I just don't really have a say in this. I want so badly to be over you but my heart just wont let you go. Why is that?? It's not like I enjoy feeling this way or love the way you hurt me. Perhaps I'm just so used to always having you on the brain that I've trained my heart to love it. Love how it feels when I compare everyone to you... Love how it feels when I catch myself looking at old pictures and videos of you or us... Love how it feels when I so much as say your name.

Ah, your name... It just rolls off my tongue so beautifully. Saying your name makes my heart melt and in the same instant, makes my skin crawl. I hate you, I love you, I loath you, I adore you... OH FUCK YOU!

I give you too much power over me. Why?? Why, why, why, why, WHY!?

By the way, I finally took my engagement ring off. Hope you're pleased. =)

Honest to God

I feel as though I am lying to myself. Lying to myself on what I want out of life, lying to myself about who I am and most of all, lying to myself about how I'm feeling.

Half of the time I feel as thought I'm just one big miserable blob that has been stuck on this planet to just wander and mope. Let the rain fall down on me just so I can be my usual sulky self. The other half of the time, I feel cramped and plastic. I'm faking this smile and this laugh that irritates even myself to no end. I need to own up to my real self...

I love you Chad David Mann. Even though you can be such an arrogant prick, I still seem to. To be quite frank actually, I hate that I fucking love your shitty ass guts.

....
*sigh!* That's better! =)

When I Call Your Name...

I've tried talking to you, but you just don't seem to listen to what I have to say. All I ask is of you to hear me out and give me a chance to speak; where you will actually listen and understand the words that come out of my mouth. I've now resorted to music and songs to get you to pay attention and listen. I shouldn't have to...

When You're Gone - Avril Lavigne:

To sum up how I feel is one phrase in this song is 'I miss you.'

I miss everything we used to have. I miss your goofy looks that you used to give me. I miss running my hand over your face because it I always knew it would make you smile. I miss the way you used to kiss me and I miss the way your hand would always find mine when you were driving. I miss the way I would smell if I spent the night at your house and I miss the way I would get beamed throughout the night if you were having a regular spell of sleep flailing, sleep talking or sleep fighting. If I was ever in need, you were there for me. If there were any problems at my house, you told me to so much as call and say "Come get me" and you'd be there. Sure enough, you always were. You held me when I would cry and you would listen to me when I'd need someone to vent to after a bad day at work or even at home. I miss you...

Sorry - Buckcherry/Sorry - Chris Daughtry:

I've hurt you a lot, I understand that now. I never had the intention of it nor did I have any idea that thinking about moving away for school would cause such a situation. That whole week we fought, I was dying inside. I spent more nights crying because I knew how upset you were and I was to blame. Then turning around and deciding to stay and then just as easily being swayed to go back to the coast... You are right. It was a mind game. It wasn't fair to you. You deserved better than that; no denial there. I am ashamed of how I acted. I wish I could turn back time and change what happened, but I can't. Apart from that, a lot has happened and I'm now left apologizing for things that I haven't even done. In fact, for things that never even took place. But I just want us to be alright. I just want you to listen and believe me when I attempt to tell you the truth. All I can say is I'm sorry and hope that you'll possibly forgive me.

Breaking Inside - Shinedown:

At the end of the day, I just don't understand. I don't understand what went wrong. When I go back and read old message between us, the change happened within two days! Two days in which I wasn't even in town. How do you explain? At this time and place in my life, I feel as though everything is just falling part. Yes, I've made mistakes in the past but so have you and there's this part of me that just wants to move past it all and work things out. I've tried moving on and I can't. I loved you then and I love you now... I always will and if you actually claimed to love me, your feelings would still exist. Love doesn't just disappear over a night. That's not how it works... You obviously didn't love me if that's how you feel. Even if that's the case than just be a man and say it!! Because with everyday that passes, I fall more and more apart. I'm falling to pieces and it's over you. Doesn't that count for anything?

When I Call Your Name - Chris Daughtry:

Oh fuck it, I can't sugar coat it anymore....

[Taken from an actual message to you.]

I fucking love you. I poured myself to you and told you things about me and my life that nobody knows. I wouldn't even dare trust them with. But I trusted you because I knew you wouldn't judge me and no matter what, things would never change because you told me you loved me. Real love is unconditional and if it's true, it overcomes all obstacles. What I felt for you was real love... What you felt was conditional and if you wanted "us" badly enough, you would have talked to me. You would have come to me and told me what was going on. I mean, why else would I still be trying to sort things out and trying to make them work!?

... You should have just told me how you really felt.

And the best part of it all is... I've taken the blame for everything. I've taken the shit end of it all. I understand that your life isn't sunshine and rainbows... but mine isn't some day at the beach either. I left Penticton because I didn't want to run the risk of seeing you because seeing you kills me. I packed what I could, moved away, by myself, with no job and nowhere to go and $150.00 to my name. I have yet to have a night where I don't cry over you. And to be completely honest, I feel stupid for it. I promised myself that I'd never, ever, EVER let someone hurt me like that again. And then what do I do? I meet you.

You even promised me that you would never hurt me and I think you've hurt me more than anyone else in my life ever has. More than any stranger, more than any guy I've ever dated and even more than my own family has. You've scarred my heart in such a way that I know it won't heal. I'm broken now and I want you to know that.

You may be upset and have your own ways of coping and covering up how you feel, but I can't even use my own coping mechanisms. I am BROKEN and I can't be fixed!! How I managed to let you in to my heart that deep is beyond me, but I did... And I feel so STUPID for it.

And whatever these "people" told you... I can deny until the day I die on what they've said but you won't listen. Anything I say, like this message for example, will fall on deaf ears. So I guess, all I can say is what I know of the truth...

I love you. I always have and I always will. I've always been faithful and always been honest with you. I never wanted to hurt you and if I did, it wasn't intentional. Yes, I've made mistakes in the past, but am I not human? I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. It didn't matter where we were, I just wanted to be with you. Vancouver was never a priority to me; you were. I'm sorry that things had to end this way. I never wanted it to end. Hell, I still don't want it to be over... But I guess you're past that point now.

I don't really know what else to say now...

I'm sorry.

Falling on Deaf Ears?

Since my last post, a lot has changed.

I lost someone I really loved and cared about -Scratch that, I still love and care about him. In turn, I packed what I could and moved back home to the coast. Everyday has been a struggle. Trying to find a job, trying to figure out where I'm going to be sleeping that night, etc. Luckily for me, I have a fantastic friend letting me stay with him until I get on my feet with a job and a place to live. Nevertheless, it doesn't help fix the feeling of emptiness that haunts me on a daily basis.

What emotion it is, I cannot be certain. But it is something that of a disease... A flesh eating virus that eats away at me from the inside out. The nightly sobbing episodes have subsided for now but I still cannot seem to get rid of that aching pain. I even tried talking to him today to see if it could help the situation, but if anything, his cold shoulders made it worse.

A part of me wants to tell him how I feel but another part is terrified. Because of him wanting to be "best of friends" I feel hindered in the aspect where if I do tell him what's in my heart and what's on my mind, then I could risk him seeing me as the desperate and clingy ex (which is ironic considering how he used to always ask me to be more clingy despite it being completely against my natural personality) and therefore risking losing him as a friend all together.

I guess I should just buck up and be honest? Put myself out there and see what happens? Oh God, What Do I Do?? ...