Wednesday, July 14, 2010

When I Call Your Name...

I've tried talking to you, but you just don't seem to listen to what I have to say. All I ask is of you to hear me out and give me a chance to speak; where you will actually listen and understand the words that come out of my mouth. I've now resorted to music and songs to get you to pay attention and listen. I shouldn't have to...

When You're Gone - Avril Lavigne:

To sum up how I feel is one phrase in this song is 'I miss you.'
I miss everything we used to have. I miss your goofy looks that you used to give me. I miss running my hand over your face because it I always knew it would make you smile. I miss the way you used to kiss me and I miss the way your hand would always find mine when you were driving. I miss the way I would smell if I spent the night at your house and I miss the way I would get beamed throughout the night if you were having a regular spell of sleep flailing, sleep talking or sleep fighting. If I was ever in need, you were there for me. If there were any problems at my house, you told me to so much as call and say "Come get me" and you'd be there. Sure enough, you always were. You held me when I would cry and you would listen to me when I'd need someone to vent to after a bad day at work or even at home. I miss you...

Sorry - Buckcherry/Sorry - Chris Daughtry:

I've hurt you a lot, I understand that now. I never had the intention of it nor did I have any idea that thinking about moving away for school would cause such a situation. That whole week we fought, I was dying inside. I spent more nights crying because I knew how upset you were and I was to blame. Then turning around and deciding to stay and then just as easily being swayed to go back to the coast... You are right. It was a mind game. It wasn't fair to you. You deserved better than that; no denial there. I am ashamed of how I acted. I wish I could turn back time and change what happened, but I can't. Apart from that, a lot has happened and I'm now left apologizing for things that I haven't even done. In fact, for things that never even took place. But I just want us to be alright. I just want you to listen and believe me when I attempt to tell you the truth. All I can say is I'm sorry and hope that you'll possibly forgive me.

Breaking Inside - Shinedown:

At the end of the day, I just don't understand. I don't understand what went wrong. When I go back and read old message between us, the change happened within two days! Two days in which I wasn't even in town. How do you explain? At this time and place in my life, I feel as though everything is just falling part. Yes, I've made mistakes in the past but so have you and there's this part of me that just wants to move past it all and work things out. I've tried moving on and I can't. I loved you then and I love you now... I always will and if you actually claimed to love me, your feelings would still exist. Love doesn't just disappear over a night. That's not how it works... You obviously didn't love me if that's how you feel. Even if that's the case than just be a man and say it!! Because with everyday that passes, I fall more and more apart. I'm falling to pieces and it's over you. Doesn't that count for anything?

When I Call Your Name - Chris Daughtry:

Oh fuck it, I can't sugar coat it anymore....

[Taken from an actual message to you.]

I fucking love you. I poured myself to you and told you things about me and my life that nobody knows. I wouldn't even dare trust them with. But I trusted you because I knew you wouldn't judge me and no matter what, things would never change because you told me you loved me. Real love is unconditional and if it's true, it overcomes all obstacles. What I felt for you was real love... What you felt was conditional and if you wanted "us" badly enough, you would have talked to me. You would have come to me and told me what was going on. I mean, why else would I still be trying to sort things out and trying to make them work!?

... You should have just told me how you really felt.

And the best part of it all is... I've taken the blame for everything. I've taken the shit end of it all. I understand that your life isn't sunshine and rainbows... but mine isn't some day at the beach either. I left Penticton because I didn't want to run the risk of seeing you because seeing you kills me. I packed what I could, moved away, by myself, with no job and nowhere to go and $150.00 to my name. I have yet to have a night where I don't cry over you. And to be completely honest, I feel stupid for it. I promised myself that I'd never, ever, EVER let someone hurt me like that again. And then what do I do? I meet you.

You even promised me that you would never hurt me and I think you've hurt me more than anyone else in my life ever has. More than any stranger, more than any guy I've ever dated and even more than my own family has. You've scarred my heart in such a way that I know it won't heal. I'm broken now and I want you to know that.

You may be upset and have your own ways of coping and covering up how you feel, but I can't even use my own coping mechanisms. I am BROKEN and I can't be fixed!! How I managed to let you in to my heart that deep is beyond me, but I did... And I feel so STUPID for it.

And whatever these "people" told you... I can deny until the day I die on what they've said but you won't listen. Anything I say, like this message for example, will fall on deaf ears. So I guess, all I can say is what I know of the truth...

I love you. I always have and I always will. I've always been faithful and always been honest with you. I never wanted to hurt you and if I did, it wasn't intentional. Yes, I've made mistakes in the past, but am I not human? I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. It didn't matter where we were, I just wanted to be with you. Vancouver was never a priority to me; you were. I'm sorry that things had to end this way. I never wanted it to end. Hell, I still don't want it to be over... But I guess you're past that point now.

I don't really know what else to say now...

I'm sorry.


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